Lisa J Lafave

The Fertility Coach

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Surrogacy

Your Reward Is Your Baby

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Your Reward Is Your Baby

Your Reward Is Your Baby

I know you feel like you are doing a lot of hard work, to get your baby.  And I know that it so very disappointing every month, that the pregnancy test shows you did not conceive, and did not achieve your objective.  I know it is even worse, when you did conceive, and the baby didn’t stick.  And worse yet, when you get further along your journey and miscarry.  These loses are all traumatic.  But you must get through these loses to get to the actual baby, that is meant to be your forever baby.

I know for some the natural conception thing is not meant to be.  You may wrestle with that idea quite a bit.  We all quite naturally want our own child, coming from our own DNA.  But sometimes it just can’t happen, and if you are in this boat you will have to decide what is best for you, 1) no baby at all, or  2) if you have the financial wherewithall, you might pick IVF, with someone else’s DNA, or 3) you might even choose to farm the whole process out, and have a baby through surrogacy, or 4) you might prefer to go the adoption route, and help out a child, who has no parent at the ready.  If you choose adoption, you will have to decide what to focus on, domestic adoption, international adoption or foster to adopt. Once you decide where you belong, you can move through your next paces.  They may not be easy, but you can work on what is before you, in order to bring your dream baby home.

No matter what option you pick, Coaching Rocks can be at your side, to urge you on, and help you through your process.  You could work with someone one on one, or in a group.  You can contact us and arrange a complimentary Discovery Call to see if you feel like Coaching Rocks is the right coaching resource for you.

Never forget your dream baby is at the end of the road!  When you do conceive, and it sticks, and the pregnancy goes well, your reward is a darling little baby boy, or baby girl, or maybe even both!  You will be on the top of the world.  You’ll want to sing it out to the moon and the stars!  Your dream baby has arrived.

Who wouldn’t be delighted with a baby, with a darling little nose, a smile like your partner’s, and eyebrows like your father’s?  This baby is indeed your reward for all the extra effort and all the labor you went through to bring this baby home, not matter what the method.  It’s truly amazing how often adopted children, or surrogacy babies, with no DNA in common with their parents, can grow to look like their family members.

Once you have your baby, and care for your baby, it truly does not matter to you how you came by your child.  You take the child as your own.  People often place far to much emphasis on DNA.

How many of you are animal lovers? How many actually have animals?  You don’t have any DNA in common with your pet, be it a dog, a cat, a snake, a goat, or a bunny rabbit.  But you still may have a deep love for your animal.  You may have a trusting, and fun loving relationship with that animal, that does not depend on a DNA connection.

I use beloved pets, as an example, because they are family.  They are a close second to children.  We care about how they feel.  We care about the quality of their day.  We want them to have a satisfied tummy and a good night’s sleep.   We take them on outtings with us.  They are there for us, when we low.  We spend our good times, and our bad times with them.  They know us best.  We intervene, as best we can, when our animals are sick, and we grieve, when they die.  Oh how we grieve!  There is really nothing like losing a trusted pet.

Rightly or wrongly, many of us treat our animals like family, or like children.  Many of us even refer to our beloved pets, as our babies, or our fur babies.  In fact, it makes no difference to us that they are a different species.  We actually relish in the differences.  We don’t need them to be from the same tribe as ours to love them with the intensity that we do.  I believe the love comes from the relationship.  I believe you love what, and who you care for, DNA aside.

Interestingly, many of you probably coupled up, moved in together, and then got a dog, or a cat. Your fur baby was your first baby, your first commitment.  Your first attempt at keeping a beloved other alive, through thick and thin, right in the the midst of all of your other obligations.  It was kind of like your “starter baby.”  If that went well, and you could negotiate with one another, about how to take care of that family member, maybe you felt like you just might be ready for a real live bouncing baby boy or girl.  That dog or cat may have been the guinea pig, to see if the two of you could work together well enough to take care of that pet.  That pet may have been a harbinger of things to come, more specifically, babies to come.

Have you ever noticed how some people get married, and divorce just before you thought they might have that first baby? Well, fortunately, they figured out they weren’t matched well, and were not up to the task of parenting a child together, so they split up, before they had one.  In my estimation, they weren’t up for the big commitment of having a child together.  Marriage, and having a house, and a pet together were one thing, but having a child together is the real commitment.

Most of you reading this are ready for that child, singly, or coupled up, you want that baby now.  My point in bringing up the animals is just to remind you that, if you can’t use your own DNA, you will still be able to fall in love deeply, with your child.  It really can be okay.  It really can be no big deal.  It all depends on how you decide to view it.

Once you have that baby that you’ve dreamed about for so long, you are off to the races!  It’s one bottle or one breastfeeding moment after the next, and one burping session after the next, and then one diaper after the next.   You’ll be doing one bath after the next, one clothing change after the next, and so on, and so forth.  You and your baby will be giggling and smiling at one another in no time. You will be continually showing off your baby to family and friends, and even to strangers, or passerbys.  Your baby will become your pride and joy.  As the days pass by, you will fall deeply in love, with your little treasure.  He or she will be the apple of your eye, and the fruit of your labor.  I think you will agree that this little angel was worth all the bother after all.  All those trials and tribulations will seem quite trivial, when you have that little one sitting in your lap, or snuggling in your arms, about to slip off to sleep.

Next thing you know, you will be going to outings at the local playground, Mommy and Me Meetups, swimming lessons, gymnastics, and music classes.  You will be so fully immersed in your new life with your baby, you will hardly even remember what life was like, without your little one.

So remember, your dream baby is your reward, for all the hard work that you must do to get that baby, and bring him, or her home, to the little nest you have so carefully prepared.

 

Never Forget the Dream and Leap Into Action!

 

Lisa

 

Lisa J Lafave, PhD, eMBA, ACC, BCC

CEO & Founder of Coaching Rocks

The Fertility Coach At Coaching Rocks

Single Mother by Choice of Surrogacy Twin Boys

Written In My Little Brick in University Hts, Ohio

Surrogacy

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For some people, if they really want a baby, Surrogacy just might be their only option. It works well when people have enough money to fund the project, which just might cost upwards of $135K, and are unable to create a baby, with even the assistance of more traditional IVF.

In traditional IVF, the mother takes shots of a medicine like Clomid, to help her hyper secrete eggs, which can then be removed from her body, such that egg and sperm can be joined outside the womb, in a laboratory. Once the cells have been allowed to divide and grow for about 5 days in a Petri dish, the best of the embryos are chosen and then placed in the intended mother’s body. The embryo transfer occurs at just the right time, in the intended mother’s cycle, through the benefits of medicine, to help her intrauterine lining build up enough to create an environment, in which the fledgling embryo can, not only attach to the the uterine lining, but also thrive and multiply.

In surrogacy, an individual or a couple may opt to use their own DNA along with that of their partner’s DNA, or use either, or both donor egg and donor sperm. Again egg and sperm are joined outside the surrogate’s body, and left for about five days to mature, before the embryo transfer is made into the surrogate’s body, where it will hopefully remain until birth. Thus the difference between more traditional IVF, and IVF in the case of Surrogacy is that the embryo in traditional IVF goes inside the intended mother’s body, while in Surrogacy the embryo is transferred to the surrogate. In the case of Surrogacy, the intended mother then waits roughly 10 months patiently for her baby, while it is gestating inside the surrogate’s body.

Surrogacy involves interfacing with a variety of people and agencies and companies. First there are the sperm banks and the agencies that provide access to the egg donors and or surrogates. There will be people to meet and get to know at these agencies, who may guide and direct you. These people may be key in your process.

Couples or individuals need to make careful work of determining what parameters make for the ideal egg donor or sperm donor, and then set out to find someone, who matches up to that ideal, more or less. Then, you may be interviewing egg donors and surrogates. As you can imagine, the surrogate you choose will be a crucial person in this experience. You can develop a relationship with this person that may be close, or more distant, depending on each of your needs and temperaments. She will be a major resource for information, regarding your developing child. You will want to be sure to treat her, at all times, with the respect she deserves in this process.

You may also interview IVF doctors at various companies, and determine who will be your fertility lawyer, for your whole journey, or various legs of your journey. You want to be sure to use an experienced doctor, and lawyer, so you can get the best advice, as to how to proceed in various scenarios.

If all goes well, there will also be personnel at the hospital that will be important, as the surrogate goes through the labor and delivery, and then hands your dream baby over to you. Depending on where you are in the country, staff at the hospital may be more, or less experienced with surrogacy. This will in turn affect how they relate to you, as the intended parent, as well as, how they treat your surrogate.

How you treat each of these people will affect your experience with your process. So you want to pull out all of your people skills, and use them wisely, as you meet, and interact with these folks. You may be surprised to find that at different times you are going to need their help, with different aspects of your surrogacy process.

Coaching Rocks understands how sensitive and critical each step in the Surrogacy process is. Couples and individuals seeking a baby through Surrogacy are likely to want to discuss each step of the journey, and may need help in establishing what their next step in the journey is. Frustrations, with the process, need a place where they can be vented, in order to move the process forward.

Do you think Surrogacy might right for you? First consider, do you have the funds for Surrogacy, as well as, enough money to raise your baby, once the baby is born? If you will be financially wiped out by the surrogacy process, this is probably not the right method for you to select, to create your family, or add another baby to your family.

Never Forget the Dream and Don’t Forget to Leap Into Action,

Lisa

Lisa J Lafave, PhD, MBA, ACC, BCC
CEO & Founder of Coaching Rocks, LLC
The Surrogacy Coach of Coaching Rocks
A Single Mom By Choice Raising Surrogacy Twin Boys
Written in My Little Brick in University Hts, Ohio

Why Would You Let Genetics Stand In Your Way?

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I once was invited to participate in a group with a bunch of women, who had trouble conceiving. What was interesting to me was that the women were far more distressed by their experience, than I was about mine and I had been struggling with the issue for far longer!

I wonder if the dynamic that set us apart was the fact that I was single! It seems to me that when you are coupled up, and both want a baby, that you must have either some sense of disappointing your partner, or feeling aggravated with your partner that together the two of you cannot make a baby. Either way, you have some complicated feelings to manage vis a vis your partner. If the problem does not reside clearly with you, you may feel your partner is blocking you from realizing your dream. Similarly, if the problem lies with you, you might feel you are failing your partner and keeping them from experiencing all the joys of parenthood. The sense I got from participating, briefly in this group, was that the very relationship was sometimes threatened, by the fact that the couple could not naturally, or with assistance produce a baby.

What has always been phenomenal to me was that what each of these women wanted more than anything was a baby and a family to fill the void in their lives, yet most of them were absolutely unwilling to try to attempt this process using genetic material, other than their own!

When I lived in New York City, I knew a couple who experienced a similar challenge. They were in love! Bogey were married! Bother had a novice home and a couple of cats and they wanted nothing more than a baby. They tried IVF seven times and failed. They never pursued adoption and it was too early for surrogacy, which might have been prohibitive given their financial resources. Quite frankly, even if they had the finances, they may have had a similar outcome, if they were still unwilling to use alternate DNA. You see, I was never privy to the exact nature of their problem.

Call me daft, but I fail to understand in what way the ladies in my group and the friends from New York City could not understand they could realize their greatest dream, if they simply created a baby that would be theirs, save the genetics. At the end of the day, any one of these folks would have either a bouncing baby boy, or a darling little girl. So what’s the difference how the child comes to be, if all you really want is a baby? The notion still makes me scratch my head.

What I do know, as a result of raising my own children, who do not come from my genetics, is they could not be more mine! People very commonly think they come from me, yet mistake me for their grandmother, owing to my advanced maternal age! The point is we look enough alike that people assume we are have the common genetic ties seen in most families.

The journey is what makes me their mother! The day to dayness of our relationship and all the things I do for them, big and small, is what makes me their mother. Having the honor to be with them through thick and thin, and the joy of watching them grow and change overtime is what makes me their mother. Sharing their laughter and their tears is what makes me their mother. Watching out for them and trying to make sure each day is filled with texture and an appropriate amount of stimulation is what makes me their mother.

My DNA is not the fiber of their being, but my heart is! They are my labor of love. They are my life’s work. Everything I am and all that I will become has everything to do with them. We are family and there is a purpose for all of our actions. Everyday, we are becoming more of who we are meant to be. To be sure, we three were meant to be together! We are bound by the ties of family. My life is richer and better now that they are in it. Although my children arrived when I was nearly fifty, I cannot imagine what it would have been like without them.

So what is holding you back? Are you allowing genetics to get in the way of fulfilling your dreams? What is truly at the root of that for you? What are you afraid of? What’s the bottom line on this one for you? Aren’t we all more alike than different, by the simple virtue of our humanness?

By now, you know the drill. Get out paper and pencil, or grab your mobile phone or iPad and please put your thoughts down in a more formal fashion. What keeps you from leaping forward and creating that baby? Surely, in the case of surrogacy, you can see you have more control over some of the aspects of the genetics your baby is likely to inherit, than is the case in adoption or foster care. What stops you in your tracks? Is it insurmountable? Can you work your way around it? Are you ready to dive in and create that family you have so desperately longed for?

Lisa J Lafave, PhD, MBA, ACC
The Surrogacy Coach at Surrogacy Rocks
CEO & Founder of Coaching Rocks, LLC
A Single Mom By Choice Raising Surrogacy Twin Boys
Written in My Little Brick In a University Heights, Ohio

Leap Into Action!

Embryo Donation/Adoption

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So what do you do with those extra embryos? Inquiring minds want to know! There are several options. You can store them for later use. You can donate them anonymously or to a known recipient. Or you can donate them to science and leave them with the doctor or clinic, to do with, as they will.

I have been lucky enough to be able to donate my embryos to a known recipient. We are still in the process of taking care of the legal aspect of the donation/adoption.

This embryo donation process is more involved than I ever would have thought. We are putting the final touches on the contracts between me and the embryo recipient, as well as creating an amendment between me and the egg donor, in order to give the embryos to the embryo recipient. There is a lot to consider. Much more than one would anticipate, at first blush.

In retrospect, I am so grateful that I had four gorgeous embryos, and only four embryos, after the insemination of sperm into egg and the five day wait, while they divided in the petri dish. It was the perfect amount, not too many, not too few. It allowed me the opportunity to breathe and know I had two more waiting, if the first two didn’t take! It also allowed me to fantasize about using them myself, at a later date. Finally, it will prevent me from having to go through this process of speaking with lawyers and trying to donate the embryos more than once. Trust me once through this shoot is enough for me. For heaven sakes, what would I have done if I had 17 gorgeous embryos? And what would it have been like trying to donate a few less than gorgeous embryos?

I have found an embryo donation secret group on Facebook and it has been very illuminating to discover how much angst is involved in the embryo donation process. Much to my surprise, it has been a veritable emotional roller coaster for me. It has been good to see that others have been through much the same. Essentially by reading others’ posts I got the support I needed. I learned that having difficulty letting go of the “snowflakes” is just part of the process.

Thankfully, I am now on the better side of that roller coaster. It was rough there for awhile. So good to know my feelings about the embryo donation/adoption have smoothed out and I am completely secure in the fact that I am doing the right thing! So good to have arrived at this spot again.

Intended parents of children through surrogacy, just remember that embryo donation may be part of your future too!

Lisa J Lafave, PhD, MBA, ACC
The Surrogacy Coach at Surrogacy Rocks
CEO & Founder of Coaching Rocks
A Single Mom By Choice of Surrogacy Twin Boys
Written in my Little Brick in University Hts, Ohio

Leap Into Action!

The Relationship with Your Surrogate

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Your relationship with your surrogate will be an interesting one to co-create. You will likely have several phone calls with her before, and during the pregnancy. You will want to bond with her to a certain extent, but you will have to be respectful of her desire or lack thereof for closeness with you.

It may not be immediately apparent why it is important for you to travel to the doctor’s office and be present for the transfer of the embryo(s) into the surrogate, but suffice it to say it is important.

Being present at the transfer is one way to connect with your surrogate. I suggest that you make the effort to meet your surrogate at the doctor’s office the day of the transfer. This is a way of showing support to the surrogate and acknowledging the doctor’s special contribution. However, it is also a very important experience for you! You will not want to miss it for any of the three reasons mentioned above. Just be sure to be present the day of the transfer. I cannot stress the importance of this day and your presence enough! It is of utmost importance that you be present at the transfer. Do not let it pass you by.

Initially, you will be waiting for news from the doctor to hear if the embryo implanted and pregnancy took place. Then you will be waiting to hear if the embryo stuck and if the pregnancy is viable. Once these things have taken place you will want information from the surrogate, from time to time, about how she is doing and about the status of your baby growing inside her, but you will also not want to crowd her. You will want her to be as comfortable, as possible, while she carries your baby.

It might be best to talk about how much communication you each would like to have and when and how that communication will take place. For example, who will initiate contact and how frequently will the contact occur? Obviously, you will want to hear news, as soon as possible, if something goes wrong, but generally speaking when all is well will contact occur every other week or only after she has seen the doctor? Together you can figure these details out regarding what system works for you. My point is it might be best to hammer out how and when you expect to have contact, so everyone’s needs are respectfully served through out the surrogacy process.

Your surrogate will play a significant role in your life. She will give you one of the most important gifts in your life. She will bring your baby to life. Quite possibly no one other than your own mother at the time of your own birth has given you a gift of this magnitude. A part of you will be forever in her debt.

Depending on your relationship with your surrogate and your surrogate herself, you may even be in the room, while she is in labor and possibly even in the delivery room, when the baby arrives. This is a special relationship indeed.

You will want to honor her in some special way and acknowledge the birth itself. After the birth, you may send her flowers or bring a small gift to commemorate the experience. Your thoughtfulness will touch her.

Since my surrogate chose not see the babies after giving birth, while she was in the hospital, I invited her and her family to visit us at the resort I was staying at. She welcomed the visit and we all spent about four hours together. I believe she felt it was safe to see the babies once she had passed the maternal torch to me and I was firmly on board as their mother. Approximately two and a half weeks had passed between the delivery and the visit, since my boys were in the NICU as healthy feeder growers for 18 days. It was nice to see my surrogate with her family and the twins. Her husband, her son and daughter, her brother and her mother all attended the visit. In addition, the director at SAI, Ann Miranda and her daughter joined us for the visit.

My surrogate’s little girl always wanted to hold the babies. That day, I made sure that little girl got her wish! I like to think everyone was comforted by the visit. The next day my family and I were bound for home via two airplanes and a limo! Don’t worry we did have a friend along for the ride who was very instrumental in assuring that we were safe and well taken care of every step of the way!

I have never forgotten my surrogate and the gift she bestowed upon my family and you will never forget yours. Spend as much time with her as you can. Do whatever you can to deepen your relationship with her. Opportunities present themselves 1) when you initially interview your surrogate, 2) the day of the transfer, 3) the day of the birth, 4) a visit in the hospital after the babies have been born, 5) a visit after the bab(ies) are released from the hospital. These experiences and later memories are important. They become part of your story regarding how you created your family. Enjoy them!

Lisa J Lafave, PhD, MBA, ACC
The Surrogacy Coach from Surrogacy Rocks
CEO & Founder of Coaching Rocks, LLC
A Single Mom By Choice of Surrogacy Twin Boys
Written in My Little Brick in University Heights, Ohio

Leap Into Action!

Why Surrogacy?

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Reproductive science has advanced in the last 50 years beyond imagination! Infertility is no longer the obstacle it once was. Individuals and couples who would have remained childless in yesterday’s landscape are able to conceive and fulfill their dreams.

Today, as never before, there are many different ways to create a family. Surrogacy can save the day for any given individual or couple, with the financial means, who desires to have a baby and has not been successful with the more traditional methods.

Surrogacy can be an attractive option for older couples, or individuals, who missed the chance to conceive naturally when they were young. If you have the cash, surrogacy can put you in high gear toward the baby line, when your chances in that direction would have been slim to none.

Surrogacy provides a wonderful opportunity for parenthood for those who have some serious reproductive issues. It offers the chance for wholeness and the ability to move forward, as if nothing had been amiss.

When IVF between repeatedly fails, surrogacy may be the answer. If you have the financial wherewithal, many options within surrogacy become available. You may even be able to use your own genetics, but need the assistance of another womb. It maybe that one or both of you chooses to forsake your own genetics in order to use younger, heartier DNA to create your family and supplement with the addition of a surrogate mother to carry your baby.

Some gay men are opting these days to create their families with the help of an egg donor and a surrogate mother. This is clearly epic.

Surrogacy is a reasonable option, for those of means, to create a family, when other techniques have failed. Surrogacy offers a new solution for those struggling with fertility issues.

Lisa J Lafave, PhD, MBA, ACC
The Surrogacy Coach at Surrogacy Rocks
CEO & Founder of Coaching Rocks, LLC
A Single Mom By Choice of Surrogacy Twin Boys

Leap Into Action!

What’s Better Than A Contract?

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You will have a contract written between you and you egg donor and between you and your surrogate.

The relationship people seem to worry the most about is the one between you’d and your surrogate. People will grill you about whether or not your surrogate will surrender the baby in the eleventh hour.

The truth is that the contract between you and your surrogate not entirely binding. When you present the contact to a judge in a court of law, he or she reviews it and signs off on it. Then it is entirely binding.

In my case this the judge signed off indicating that when my babies were gestating securely within the surrogate 5 months before their due date, they were legally mine, for better or worse.

This meant that the surrogate could not suddenly change her mind, nor could I. The babies developing in her body were mine to protect and care for. This was a relief not only to me but to all of my friends and family members who may have been worrying that a surrogacy nightmare might occur and I might be caught in the middle of it.

This was legally possible in the State of California. Find out if it is possible where you plan to have your child gestate. It is currently the greatest form of protection you can have legally speaking while creating a child through surrogacy.

Lisa J Lafave, PhD, MBA, ACC
The Surrogacy Coach at Surrogacy Rocks
CEO & Founder of Coaching Rocks, LLC
A Single Mom By Choice of Surrogacy Twin Boys
Written in My Little Brick in University Hts, Ohio

Leap Into Action!