embryo donation

Embryo Donation/Adoption

September 17, 2015 by Lisa Lafave

So what do you do with those extra embryos? Inquiring minds want to know! There are several options. You can store them for later use. You can donate them anonymously or to a known recipient. Or you can donate them to science and leave them with the doctor or clinic, to do with, as they will.

I have been lucky enough to be able to donate my embryos to a known recipient. We are still in the process of taking care of the legal aspect of the donation/adoption.

This embryo donation process is more involved than I ever would have thought. We are putting the final touches on the contracts between me and the embryo recipient, as well as creating an amendment between me and the egg donor, in order to give the embryos to the embryo recipient. There is a lot to consider. Much more than one would anticipate, at first blush.

In retrospect, I am so grateful that I had four gorgeous embryos, and only four embryos, after the insemination of sperm into egg and the five day wait, while they divided in the petri dish. It was the perfect amount, not too many, not too few. It allowed me the opportunity to breathe and know I had two more waiting, if the first two didn’t take! It also allowed me to fantasize about using them myself, at a later date. Finally, it will prevent me from having to go through this process of speaking with lawyers and trying to donate the embryos more than once. Trust me once through this shoot is enough for me. For heaven sakes, what would I have done if I had 17 gorgeous embryos? And what would it have been like trying to donate a few less than gorgeous embryos?

I have found an embryo donation secret group on Facebook and it has been very illuminating to discover how much angst is involved in the embryo donation process. Much to my surprise, it has been a veritable emotional roller coaster for me. It has been good to see that others have been through much the same. Essentially by reading others’ posts I got the support I needed. I learned that having difficulty letting go of the “snowflakes” is just part of the process.

Thankfully, I am now on the better side of that roller coaster. It was rough there for awhile. So good to know my feelings about the embryo donation/adoption have smoothed out and I am completely secure in the fact that I am doing the right thing! So good to have arrived at this spot again.

Intended parents of children through surrogacy, just remember that embryo donation may be part of your future too!

Lisa J Lafave, PhD, MBA, ACC
The Surrogacy Coach at Surrogacy Rocks
CEO & Founder of Coaching Rocks
A Single Mom By Choice of Surrogacy Twin Boys
Written in my Little Brick in University Hts, Ohio

Leap Into Action!

Hold on to Your Hats

August 10, 2015 by Lisa Lafave

Not so fast, that was just the retainer that I signed the other day!

These embryo donation / adoption agreements are boiler plated and sound a bit crazy given our particular circumstances. We want an open agreement and these have a gag rule, in which, if you talk openly to the newspapers, etc., you can be sued. Yikes!

Doesn’t make sense to me to be sued just telling your story, to whomever! Fortunately, my recipient and I are on the same page.

We are in the process of hammering out the details. Within a week or two everything will be signed sealed and delivered.

I am feeling so much better now about giving my snowflakes away. So glad peace and tranquility has arrived.

Lisa J Lafave, PhD, MBA, ACC
The Surrogacy Coach from Surrogacy Rocks
CEO & Founder of Coaching Rocks, LLC
A Single Mom By Choice Raising Surrogacy Twin Boys
Written at Lake Morey Resort in New Hampshire

The Embryo Donation is a Done Deal!

August 4, 2015 by Lisa Lafave

In this very litigious world even handing over a few snowflakes must be attended by a few lawyers!

I have employed Tom Pinkerton and Michelle Keeyes at the Reproductive Law Center to oversee the contracts between me and my recipient regarding the donation and adoption of my remaining two embryos. My recipient has retained Steve Klein of Falletta and Klein.

I have signed on the dotted line and my egg donor has provided her John Hancock, enabling me to donate my embryos, thus giving them a chance at life. I am truly so grateful to my recipient for being ready to take the next step and attempt to help these embryos become babies.

It feels good knowing where the embryos are going and being allowed to hear the story as it plays out. I love that I already know, like, and trust my recipient. I am all for open donation and adoption of embryos and other genetic material.

My recipient and I began this conversation more than a year ago. I feel so fortunate to have made her acquaintance. We literally met in Target. First laid eyes on one another at Boston Market. What if we had gone to a different Restaraunts that night? What then?

I surely do hope they stick. I am secretly hoping she has twins. She is hoping to do the transfer the weekend of Labor Day. It is the same weekend she conceived with her son, who is now 4, soon to be five. So it’s meaningful to her. I hope she gets her way!

I’ll keep you posted.

Lisa J Lafave, PhD, MBA, ACC
The Surrogacy Coach at Surrogacy Rocks
CEO & Founder of Coaching Rocks, LLC
A Single Mom By Choice Raising Surrogacy Twin Boys
Written in My Little Brick in University Heights, Ohio

Heart and Head are Not on the Same Page!

July 31, 2015 by Lisa Lafave

I figured it out! The snowflakes cause distress because my heart and head are not on the same page. What makes sense intuitively and cerebrally, just doesn’t feel good to my heart yet.

But it’s coming. I went out and bought a piano for Jarvie and Giles today. It’s a Baldwin and has rich tones. It looks brand new but it’s used so it’s a pretty good value. Between the piano and the lessons for two it will be a bundle! Now imagine if I were paying for three or four or more. On the one hand more fun, but more labor intensive and many more dollars! So here is the reality of having 2 versus 3 or 4 children. In my current situation 2 is far more practical.

We are also going on vacation. We were supposed to first stay with my sister North Shore of Boston and then with my brother near Hanover, Vermont. Now if I had 4 kids would we really get an invitation? I think not. Moreover, the plans had to be altered because there will be a memorial service the weekend we were expected to be there. So we are staying at a Resort on Lake Fairlee and then moving onto a place on the beach in Rockport, MA. The places are small. If I had four kids the accommodations would have to be entirely different, as would the car we would rent.

These are just a few sobering thoughts, which help pull my heart out of the clouds and bring it back down to earth, where it belongs. You see I can be a soldier. And my snowflakes will be just fine. They will be given an opportunity to thaw out and have life. They will be afforded the right environment to make their journey and see if they can go from snowflakes to stickies. Stickies are embryos that implant or stick to the uterine wall and then grow and develop until it is their time to be born.

My egg donor is all for the donation. This is a very good thing too, because it can’t go forward without her written approval. This was all stipulated in my original contract with her.

Enough for now. More details later, as the story unfolds.

Lisa J Lafave, PhD, MBA, ACC
The Surrogacy Coach from Surrogacy Rocks
CEO & Founder of Coaching Rocks, LLC
A Single Mom By Choice Raising Surrogacy Twin Boys
Written in My Little Brick in University Heights, Ohio

Snowflakes

July 29, 2015 by Lisa Lafave

By now, you all know that the fact that my embryos have been frozen all this time causes me some grief! I came across a term that is used in the embryo adoption / embryo donation world that somehow softens the blow. From this moment forward, my embryos are going to be thought of as my darling little snowflakes!

I am making arrangements to adopt out or donate my snowflakes to a friend, who so very much wants another child or two for her brood. She has been trying aggressively, cycle after cycle, and nothing has given rise to a little one that would stick. So now she enters the world of embryo adoption. She will be the one, who is adopting my darling little snowflakes.

I trust her implicitly. None of the following questions have anything to do with her integrity. Nonetheless, as I move forward in donating my snowflakes I have to be in awe of what I am giving up.

Interestingly here, my coaching role helps me in my journey. Through coaching I have been trained to ask opposing powerful questions. I have been taught to ask, “What do I give up, if I accept this?” As well as, “What do I get, if I accept this?”

In this case, by donating my snowflakes, I understand I have more love and resources to share with the wonderful boys that I already have. And I do love Jarvie and Giles so very much! I would never want to do anything to compromise their lives or life style, only enrich it.

Conversely, if I were to keep the snowflakes and have them thawed specifically for the purpose of growing my own family, I would have the joy of knowing and loving the babies that might actually come to life. I would also get the opportunity to watch all of my children grow and interact over the course of our lives. I would savor watching the them of them! But I would also have one sad friend!

This is the first time that I have ever been in touch with any feelings associated with changing my mind or even with understanding how others at the brink of giving a child or embryo away, could ever change their mind. In this very moment it all makes sense to me. Someone could very sanely change their mind and no longer be able to walk away. I truly never understood this before this exact moment. This is a complete revelation to me.

Now feeling more rational and less emotional, I know I do not have the wearwithal to have more children. Nonetheless, somehow giving them away causes me so much pain. I never knew it would. It is such a surprise. I always thought it would just bring relief that they would no longer be suspended in that nearly everlasting freeze. Alas, it causes pain as well. I will just have to learn to bravely soldier on. Who knew?

I suspect with time, the pain will ease and I will get used to the choice I have made.

Lisa J Lafave, PhD, MBA, ACC
The Surrogacy Coach from Surrogacy Matters
CEO & Founder of Coaching Rocks, LLC
A Single Mom By Choice Raising Surrogacy Twin Boys
Written in My Little Brick in University Heights, Ohio

Openess and Embryo Donation

July 24, 2015 by Lisa Lafave

It is so interesting that the process of embryo donation touches tender bones and makes me cry at so many levels. However, it does. It is truly quite shocking to me that it makes me cry at all.

So you might ask, what’s up Lis, why all the tears? Here is a plausible explanation. In my case, on the day of the embryo transfer, I had 4 embryos available. All four were from the same egg donor and two were from the younger father (21 at the time of donation) and two were from the older father (30 at the time of donation).

The fellows at La Jolla IVF said, “These are gorgeous embryos! All four of them are gorgeous, which do you want us to use?” I recalled a comment an embryologist said to me once which was, “Youth trumps all in this business,” and with that thought in my head, I said without a moment’s hesitation, “Go with the younger sperm donor.” That was a critical decision in the development of my darling young sons. That was also the moment I turned my back on the other embryos. I quite literally left them behind. I didn’t hurt them, but I didn’t help them. I let them sit suspended in an airtight tank.

It is not something I did casually. It is something I did out of necessity. I just couldn’t handle more than two children being an older, single mom. Trust me when I go dress shopping, if I can’t decide, I just buy them all. Anyone who knows me well can attest to this. But here, I couldn’t take all the babies. I don’t have the resources. Perhaps it haunts me more than it haunts others, given that I am one of six children and I know how a busy household functions. Despite those experiences, I just couldn’t.

A year or so after Jarvie and Giles were born, my mom said, “Are you going to try for a girl?” At the time, I just said, “No Mom, I am pretty sure I have my hands full.” That was clearly a true statement. But now I realize that my little girl maybe frozen right now, and waiting for her turn to be born. Let me tell you that thought horrifies me. It is the what ifs that haunt you.

I am so grateful to have found a friend who wants my embryos and to give both of them a chance at life. The chance is only 33%, because they are frozen embryos. But it’s still a chance, and it’s an opportunity for my friend to try to have a sibling for her little boy and and the second baby that she has so desperately been desiring to round out her family.

She plans, just as I did, to implant both embryos. She has considered what life would be like in the event that both embryos implant and become viable. She hopes to celebrate the miracle of life whether accepting a singleton or twins into her family.

This is the back end of surrogacy and a piece that needs to be taken care of. I tried to attend to this piece earlier on, but was unsuccessful finding someone who wanted to adopt my embryos. It was truly as it should be. Now I am adopting them out to a friend and not simply a deserving intended parent who is a stranger.

I am for openness as much as possible in these arrangements. I think it leads to the best results for the children involved. Should the implantation lead to a pregnancy which sticks and a live birth or two, my boys, Jarvie and Giles, will be his/her/their diblings (donor siblings). We will then make attempts at involving the children with one another, even if we live in separate states as is the current plan.

Furthermore, we hope to include the egg donor, who has a wedding planned in the not too distant future (congatulations to the lovely couple!) as much as she and her family want to be included in gatherings with the children. The egg donor lives abroad, so gatherings may be few and far between, but might be nice for everyone involved a few times over the years.

I guess the point is, if the adults consent, then the children have a lot to gain from meeting and getting to know each other as distant relatives or extended family members.

So what do you think about them apples? I really would love to hear what you think about this and how you size it all up. Perhaps you have thoughts about this that I didn’t even entertain. I would love to know what those thoughts are, so don’t hesitate to leave a comment below!

Lisa J Lafave, PhD, MBA, ACC
The Surrogacy Coach from Surrogacy Rocks
CEO & Founder of Coaching Rocks, LLC
Single Mom By Choice Raising Surrogacy Twin Boys
Written In My Little Brick In University Heights, Ohio

Are You Sure Surrogacy Is Your Path?

July 15, 2015 by Lisa Lafave

There are so many ways to make a baby and you can spend quite a bit of time working at it through a variety of means:

The old fashioned way
Adoption
Foster Care
International Adoption
Artificial Insemination (AI)
Embryo Adoption an Insemination
In Virto Fertilization (IVF)
Surrogacy

Once you’ve tried many and ruled out some of the others, it may occur to you that surrogacy is for you!

In my case, I started the old fashioned way, and progressed to surrogacy once my relationship with my boyfriend was over. I quickly ruled surrogacy out, and then went right through most of the other methods, just to end up back in the surrogacy boat. What you need to know is I spent 14 years trying other methods! Then once I embraced surrogacy totally I had my children within 14 months. My kids would be 19 1/2 and in college had I pursued surrogacy to its logical conclusion the first time. But then again I wouldn’t have Jarvie and Giles, if I’d done that, because I purchased their father’s sperm circa 2009 and found our egg donor around the same time!

I cannot say you will have the same speedy result I did, nor can I even say you will be successful at all. What I can say is that the doctor I worked with, Dr. David Smotrich, of La Jolla IVF, boosts a surrogacy success rate of 85%! Now that’s huge. He can have results like these not only due to his own prowess but also owing to the addition of youth being on his side. An embryologist once told me that youth trumps all in the fertility game! Never forget those words of wisdom. You want youthful sperm, youthful eggs and a youthful surrogate. Keep that in the forefront of your mind as you select those on your surrogacy team. Said another way, all three legs of the surrogacy stool must embody youth.

Surrogacy is costly, but it may be the means to end your suffering and make your dream of having a baby and a family come true. When you think of the ROI, it doesn’t really seem so costly. Go ahead get in the game. If you’ve got the costs covered, you really have nothing to lose!

If I knew then, what I know now, I would have done it sooner. I would have done it in a blink of an eye. Which would have afforded me the chance to be younger raising my children and a longer life with my children. My delay may seriously have cost me the chance to ever know my grandkids and my journey with my children is significantly shortened which costs all of us immeasurably. Go ahead. Get in the game! No more time to waste! Do it! Do it now!

Donating Embryos

July 4, 2015 by Lisa Lafave

If you decide to embark on the surrogacy trail, you may well have some extra DNA that belongs to you, and you will have to decide what to do with it. You may choose to store it for use at a later date, you may toss it, or you may choose to donate it to another individual or couple, who is also having trouble conceiving. You may have donor sperm, embryos or even donor eggs.

When my boys were about a year to a year and a half old, my Mom said to me, “Lisa, why don’t you try for a girl?” The question knocked my socks off. I was truly stunned. The idea of a little girl was truly compelling, but I clearly had my hands full. I simply let the time pass and just kept raising my boys, knowing in my heart of hearts that they were enough. My heart was full with them and my resources were limited. I decided this lady could lead a better life with just the two of them! I mean heck I only have two hands!

When you look at them, so precious and vulnerable, how could I possibly divide my attention again and take on another child?

So in my case I have donor embryos that have been frozen since my boys were born. It is one of my greatest wishes that my frozen embryos get a chance to live. By donating them to another who desperately wants them, the donor, my embryos and I all have a chance to get what we want.

It’s rather interesting that my boys are now 5 1/2 and I am just getting involved in my first serious entre into donating the remaining two embryos that I have as a result of my surrogacy venture. I am not donating anonymously, but more than likely to a woman, who we can call Marie, that I met about a year ago.

Marie has a 4 year old, who also has blonde hair and blue eyes, as does she. Both my boys are blondies, with blue eyes. When you see all three of the children playing together, they look like tripletts! She is a Single Mom By Choice (Single Mom By Choice), as am I. I think most of you already realize that about me and my family, but that may have failed to reach all of you, so it bore repeating!

Marie is trying her last round of IUI this Fourth of July weekend, after nothing short of sure tenacity regarding repeated attempts at trying to conceive, once again with her own DNA and donor sperm. If that fails, and I am rooting for her, then she will take a serious look at trying to conceive with my embryos, which were created with youthful DNA and see if she can carry to term in this fashion.

If this process leads to a live birth, her new baby and my children will be diblings, in which the donor egg is the common link. Children born from one common source of Donor DNA are called diblings. Diblings are donor siblings. As things proceed, I will keep you up to date!