Lisa J Lafave

The Fertility Coach

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Egg Donor

Surrogacy

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For some people, if they really want a baby, Surrogacy just might be their only option. It works well when people have enough money to fund the project, which just might cost upwards of $135K, and are unable to create a baby, with even the assistance of more traditional IVF.

In traditional IVF, the mother takes shots of a medicine like Clomid, to help her hyper secrete eggs, which can then be removed from her body, such that egg and sperm can be joined outside the womb, in a laboratory. Once the cells have been allowed to divide and grow for about 5 days in a Petri dish, the best of the embryos are chosen and then placed in the intended mother’s body. The embryo transfer occurs at just the right time, in the intended mother’s cycle, through the benefits of medicine, to help her intrauterine lining build up enough to create an environment, in which the fledgling embryo can, not only attach to the the uterine lining, but also thrive and multiply.

In surrogacy, an individual or a couple may opt to use their own DNA along with that of their partner’s DNA, or use either, or both donor egg and donor sperm. Again egg and sperm are joined outside the surrogate’s body, and left for about five days to mature, before the embryo transfer is made into the surrogate’s body, where it will hopefully remain until birth. Thus the difference between more traditional IVF, and IVF in the case of Surrogacy is that the embryo in traditional IVF goes inside the intended mother’s body, while in Surrogacy the embryo is transferred to the surrogate. In the case of Surrogacy, the intended mother then waits roughly 10 months patiently for her baby, while it is gestating inside the surrogate’s body.

Surrogacy involves interfacing with a variety of people and agencies and companies. First there are the sperm banks and the agencies that provide access to the egg donors and or surrogates. There will be people to meet and get to know at these agencies, who may guide and direct you. These people may be key in your process.

Couples or individuals need to make careful work of determining what parameters make for the ideal egg donor or sperm donor, and then set out to find someone, who matches up to that ideal, more or less. Then, you may be interviewing egg donors and surrogates. As you can imagine, the surrogate you choose will be a crucial person in this experience. You can develop a relationship with this person that may be close, or more distant, depending on each of your needs and temperaments. She will be a major resource for information, regarding your developing child. You will want to be sure to treat her, at all times, with the respect she deserves in this process.

You may also interview IVF doctors at various companies, and determine who will be your fertility lawyer, for your whole journey, or various legs of your journey. You want to be sure to use an experienced doctor, and lawyer, so you can get the best advice, as to how to proceed in various scenarios.

If all goes well, there will also be personnel at the hospital that will be important, as the surrogate goes through the labor and delivery, and then hands your dream baby over to you. Depending on where you are in the country, staff at the hospital may be more, or less experienced with surrogacy. This will in turn affect how they relate to you, as the intended parent, as well as, how they treat your surrogate.

How you treat each of these people will affect your experience with your process. So you want to pull out all of your people skills, and use them wisely, as you meet, and interact with these folks. You may be surprised to find that at different times you are going to need their help, with different aspects of your surrogacy process.

Coaching Rocks understands how sensitive and critical each step in the Surrogacy process is. Couples and individuals seeking a baby through Surrogacy are likely to want to discuss each step of the journey, and may need help in establishing what their next step in the journey is. Frustrations, with the process, need a place where they can be vented, in order to move the process forward.

Do you think Surrogacy might right for you? First consider, do you have the funds for Surrogacy, as well as, enough money to raise your baby, once the baby is born? If you will be financially wiped out by the surrogacy process, this is probably not the right method for you to select, to create your family, or add another baby to your family.

Never Forget the Dream and Don’t Forget to Leap Into Action,

Lisa

Lisa J Lafave, PhD, MBA, ACC, BCC
CEO & Founder of Coaching Rocks, LLC
The Surrogacy Coach of Coaching Rocks
A Single Mom By Choice Raising Surrogacy Twin Boys
Written in My Little Brick in University Hts, Ohio

Embryo Donation/Adoption

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So what do you do with those extra embryos? Inquiring minds want to know! There are several options. You can store them for later use. You can donate them anonymously or to a known recipient. Or you can donate them to science and leave them with the doctor or clinic, to do with, as they will.

I have been lucky enough to be able to donate my embryos to a known recipient. We are still in the process of taking care of the legal aspect of the donation/adoption.

This embryo donation process is more involved than I ever would have thought. We are putting the final touches on the contracts between me and the embryo recipient, as well as creating an amendment between me and the egg donor, in order to give the embryos to the embryo recipient. There is a lot to consider. Much more than one would anticipate, at first blush.

In retrospect, I am so grateful that I had four gorgeous embryos, and only four embryos, after the insemination of sperm into egg and the five day wait, while they divided in the petri dish. It was the perfect amount, not too many, not too few. It allowed me the opportunity to breathe and know I had two more waiting, if the first two didn’t take! It also allowed me to fantasize about using them myself, at a later date. Finally, it will prevent me from having to go through this process of speaking with lawyers and trying to donate the embryos more than once. Trust me once through this shoot is enough for me. For heaven sakes, what would I have done if I had 17 gorgeous embryos? And what would it have been like trying to donate a few less than gorgeous embryos?

I have found an embryo donation secret group on Facebook and it has been very illuminating to discover how much angst is involved in the embryo donation process. Much to my surprise, it has been a veritable emotional roller coaster for me. It has been good to see that others have been through much the same. Essentially by reading others’ posts I got the support I needed. I learned that having difficulty letting go of the “snowflakes” is just part of the process.

Thankfully, I am now on the better side of that roller coaster. It was rough there for awhile. So good to know my feelings about the embryo donation/adoption have smoothed out and I am completely secure in the fact that I am doing the right thing! So good to have arrived at this spot again.

Intended parents of children through surrogacy, just remember that embryo donation may be part of your future too!

Lisa J Lafave, PhD, MBA, ACC
The Surrogacy Coach at Surrogacy Rocks
CEO & Founder of Coaching Rocks
A Single Mom By Choice of Surrogacy Twin Boys
Written in my Little Brick in University Hts, Ohio

Leap Into Action!

The ABCs of Surrogacy

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There are 3 essential people that you need to locate to help you create your child through surrogacy. First, you need a sperm donor. Second, you need an egg donor and third, you need a surrogate mother. In some cases you or your partner may be able to provide the DNA (egg and / or sperm). In other cases, you will need to locate all three of these people to help you with your journey.

Simply googling sperm donor, egg donor or surrogate will take you far in your search. Although you may gain access to sperm donor databases almost immediately, you will not find your egg donor, nor surrogate immediately. For these two, you will need to complete an intended parent application. So there may be a day or two between completing the application and gaining access to the information about the egg donors and surrogate.

As you narrow the field and determine which company you are working with, you will no doubt find people there who are guiding and directing you. These people will play a significant role in your process.

Generally speaking, you will look for your people in the order suggested above. First you’ll find your sperm donor, then your egg donor and finally your surrogate. And there are good reasons for this. Your sperm is generally on ice, so it can wait while you find the rest of your team. No need courting a surrogate, until you already have your egg donor in place. Remember once you have your egg donor, you want to find that surrogate pretty quickly thereafter, so as not to gobble up your egg donor’s time. This is after all, business for them and time is money!

In addition to these three essential people, you will also need an IVF doctor to handle the medical issues and a lawyer to handle the legal matters associated with your surrogacy arrangement.

Once you have selected your egg donor and surrogate, your doctor will screen them to be sure they are suitable for your needs. Don’t be surprised if you have to go back to the drawing board and review the databases again to select a new egg donor or surrogate.

You will need a lawyer to represent your interests in the writing of your contracts with both the egg donor and the surrogate, should there be a dispute in the future. In fact, you will also have to pay for your egg donor and your surrogate to have their own separate lawyer to represent them in the preparation and final signing of these same contracts.

All of that said, of course you will also need the doctor, or clinic, mentioned above, who will handle the clearance of the egg donor and surrogate, as well as the syncing of their cycles, the egg removal, fertilization of the egg with the sperm, observation of the embryos as they divide, and the transfer of the embryos into the surrogate.

Later on you will interface with the hospital staff where your baby is born. This location is generally up to the discretion of the surrogate herself. Of course, the hospital has something to do with the surrogate’s insurance. If she is uninsured, you can purchase insurance for her for this purpose. Then the insurance that you purchase will have some bearing on which hospital the baby is born in.

One word of caution, if your baby or babies as the case may be end up in the NICU you will have a significant bill that you can look forward to paying for. If there is anyway you can manage having the baby born in a hospital that is within network for your insurance you can significantly reduce that bill. It is worth it to consider this issue upfront.

So to sum up, the people that you will be looking for include your sperm donor, your egg donor and your surrogate, as well as your IVF doctor and your reproductive law lawyer.

So have at it! Those babies won’t make themselves! Go great guns in your search! Happy hunting!

Lisa J Lafave, PhD, MBA, ACC
The Surrogacy Coach at Surrogacy Rocks
CEO & Founder of Coaching Rocks, LLC
A Single Mom By Choice Raising Surrogacy Twin Boys
Written in My Little Brick in Univeristy Heights, Ohio

Leap Into Action!

Hold on to Your Hats

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Not so fast, that was just the retainer that I signed the other day!

These embryo donation / adoption agreements are boiler plated and sound a bit crazy given our particular circumstances. We want an open agreement and these have a gag rule, in which, if you talk openly to the newspapers, etc., you can be sued. Yikes!

Doesn’t make sense to me to be sued just telling your story, to whomever! Fortunately, my recipient and I are on the same page.

We are in the process of hammering out the details. Within a week or two everything will be signed sealed and delivered.

I am feeling so much better now about giving my snowflakes away. So glad peace and tranquility has arrived.

Lisa J Lafave, PhD, MBA, ACC
The Surrogacy Coach from Surrogacy Rocks
CEO & Founder of Coaching Rocks, LLC
A Single Mom By Choice Raising Surrogacy Twin Boys
Written at Lake Morey Resort in New Hampshire

The Embryo Donation is a Done Deal!

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In this very litigious world even handing over a few snowflakes must be attended by a few lawyers!

I have employed Tom Pinkerton and Michelle Keeyes at the Reproductive Law Center to oversee the contracts between me and my recipient regarding the donation and adoption of my remaining two embryos. My recipient has retained Steve Klein of Falletta and Klein.

I have signed on the dotted line and my egg donor has provided her John Hancock, enabling me to donate my embryos, thus giving them a chance at life. I am truly so grateful to my recipient for being ready to take the next step and attempt to help these embryos become babies.

It feels good knowing where the embryos are going and being allowed to hear the story as it plays out. I love that I already know, like, and trust my recipient. I am all for open donation and adoption of embryos and other genetic material.

My recipient and I began this conversation more than a year ago. I feel so fortunate to have made her acquaintance. We literally met in Target. First laid eyes on one another at Boston Market. What if we had gone to a different Restaraunts that night? What then?

I surely do hope they stick. I am secretly hoping she has twins. She is hoping to do the transfer the weekend of Labor Day. It is the same weekend she conceived with her son, who is now 4, soon to be five. So it’s meaningful to her. I hope she gets her way!

I’ll keep you posted.

Lisa J Lafave, PhD, MBA, ACC
The Surrogacy Coach at Surrogacy Rocks
CEO & Founder of Coaching Rocks, LLC
A Single Mom By Choice Raising Surrogacy Twin Boys
Written in My Little Brick in University Heights, Ohio

Steps to Aquiring an Egg Donor

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The initial phases of finding an egg donor are the same as finding a sperm donor. However, the egg donor’s service is more involved, given that she takes medicine to hypersecrete eggs and then often has to travel to the IVF doctor of your choice for retrieval, compared to the one-time visit the sperm donor makes to deliver fresh sperm to the cryobank.

Consequently, the egg donor’s fee is higher and most of the time intended parents will meet with her to be sure it’s a good fit.

The telephone and face to face interviews are very important parts of your final selection process. Never forget she is interviewing you too! This is a very personal meeting. Please be sure to treat it as such!

1) Google search egg donor
2) Complete applications to utilize the database
3) Create a list of criteria for ideal candidate
4) Put the criteria in writing
5) Have your partner do the same
6) Create a profile of the perfect egg donor
7) Search for ideal egg donor on database
8) Select a few options
9) Schedule telephone interviews
10) Create a list of questions for the egg donor
11) Determine what you want to share about yourself
12) Conduct interviews with a partner
13) Debrief with you partner after each interview
14) Schedule face to face meeting with one or two candidates
15) Develop list of comments and questions for meeting
16) Select Venue
17) Conduct Face to face interviews
18) Debrief after interviews
19) Determine if you have met the right egg donor
20) If yes, claim her
21) Find out if she is willing to work with you
22) Celebrate or repeat steps 7 – 21!

Hopefully, there will be a match and you will not have to repeat steps 7 – 21, however, stranger things have happened and you should be prepared to repeat these steps if necessary. This ride down the surrogacy river is not always smooth, but it frequently makes people’s dreams come true. So it’s worth the bumps!

Tell us below what the surprises along the way were for you. Tell us what the salient points were.

Leap Into Action!

Lisa J Lafave, PhD, MBA, ACC
The Surrogacy Coach from Surrogacy Rocks
CEO & Founder of Coaching Rocks, LLC
A Single Mom By Choice Raising Surrogacy Twins
Written in My Little Brick in University Heights, Ohio

How Do I Find My Egg Donor?

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May I first refer you to my blogpost on “How Do I Find My Sperm Donor?” There is a ton of overlap regarding the first stage of finding your egg donor and finding your sperm donor.

So do your google search for egg donor. Up pop the agencies involved. Fill out your application to utilize their database.

Select your criteria. Put it in writing! Have you partner, if you have one, do the same. I am partnerless and went through the process alone. That does not mean I didn’t involve others, because I did.

I definitively was the final executive decision maker, but other heads were involved in the process. I highly recommend that you noodle your thoughts around with others. For some of us, present company included, this is part of the process of making big decisions. It is actually part of the research. Collecting others thoughts and then deciding which to take to heart and incorporate as part of your own thinking can be critical! I allow others to shape my thinking. It’s not that I can’t think for myself, but simply that I believe the synergy between my thoughts and others’ thoughts often leads to a better final outcome!

Once you have done your homework creating an ideal candidate and then combing through the database to find a match or near match, you should select 3 or so possible candidates.

Next you will set up a telephone interview. Although this isn’t an option yet for selection of sperm donors, telephone interviews are clearly in play for egg donors. Attempt to set up the interview at a time in which both you and your partner are available. If you have no partner, I strongly recommend that you choose a trusted other to join you on this part of the journey so you can compare notes and debrief after the call. Again, two heads are better than one. Together you may knock around what your general impression was of the candidate. Then if you think this is the one to go with you can discuss why and get even clearer about why this is the egg donor for you!

In my case, I had a private lawyer review documents and participate in telephone interviews with me. It was expensive but well worth the cost. He asked questions as well and always had my best interests at heart! He was truly an invaluable part of my process. Thank-you again Jon Pinney, Esq.!

Before your interview you will want to create an outline of questions you will want to know about your egg donor and her family. That list is your road map or guide during the interview. It can set you on a certain course and then you can choose to go off course a bit if you like.

Remember everyone will be at a bit nervous at the beginning of the call. You should spend a few minutes thinking about how you want to present yourself to your potential egg donor on the call too. Remember as much as you are interviewing your egg donor, she is interviewing you too. She has the right to turn you down at any juncture, so be warm, compassionate, and interested in her remarks. She can easily sense any negative vibe on the line. She only wants to entrust her DNA in people that she likes and finds compelling. This process is much more than a paycheck to her. She has a great deal invested in it. Besides she is doing you an amazing favor and act of human kindness, even though you are technically paying her for services rendered.

As the live interview is winding down, I suggest you review the questions list before you close the interview, in case there are questions that are really crucial that you need the answers to before you hang up. Before saying goodbye, dont forget to use your manners and thank her for her time and interest in possibly working with you to help you create your family.

It may be the case that you do a live telephone interview with a few possible egg donors before you find the woman who you think is the one! Don’t despair there are plenty of options out there.

Once you have selected a possible egg donor and she has passed the telephone or Skype interview phase, think about scheduling a longer getting to know you face to face interview. This can be accomplished one of two ways. You can travel to her or she can travel to you. Some egg donors are willing to hop on a plane and come see you if you compensate them for their time and pay all expenses, such as plane, hotel, car and food allowance. If you or your partner are very busy it might be wise to ask if she would be willing to travel to see you. Conversely, you can make it a romantic weekend away with your partner or spouse wrapped around the concept taking some of the first steps associated with creating your family. Once the children are born there will be many outings and trips away just for them. Think of this as one of your first!

You need to consider the venue for your meeting. Will she come to your home or will you meet her at her hotel. Will you take her out to lunch or dinner? Will she determine a great little place with plenty of intimacy in her neck of the woods?

You can meet with her alone or suggest she bring a trusted other. In one case an egg donor asked if she could bring her father. He was a valiable source of information. They were lovely people but I did not go with them owing to a medical problem her father mentioned that one of the grandparents had that had not been disclosed previously. In truth, I don’t think this twenty something potential egg donor was even privie to this problem before the interview.

This is a general issue that I will caution you about here. Often young people, who we may select to utilize as DNA donors may not be fully aware of their family medical history. Likewise, some of them are not doing this with their parents approval, so they are not going to their parents for help in completing their forms. It may also not be the case that they were never told some of this stuff either. It simply may have passed over their ears, yet not registered. Of course, there are the situations in which there is poor communication or family cut off as well as separation from family, due to death or other disasters.

How long is enough time for the face to face interview? I figured on about three hours. How does that sound to you? If it’s entirely too long make it shorter! If I knew early on that this was not the one, I simply carried out the three hour meeting and preceded to get to know her better. It made it easier in the end, because when they got the call that I was not proceeding with them, they were none the wiser as to why. There were no obvious clues, because I used my poker face and continued talking with them for an hour and a half after the dime was dropped.

If you have to do this a few times before you make your final selection, you have been prudent and invested your time wisely. Few decisions in your live will have such far reaching ramifications! It’s only the whole life of your progeny and your relationship with them, as well as their offspring that is at stake!

Lisa J Lafave, PhD, MBA, ACC
The Surrogacy Rocks Coach from Surrogacy Rocks
CEO & Founder of Coaching Rocks, LLC
A Single Mom By Coice Raising Twin Surrogacy Boys
Written in My Little Brick in University Heights, Ohio

How do I Find My Sperm Donor?

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The first thing I would do is Google sperm donor. When you conduct a search of this sort a variety of Cryobanks pop up. Go to their websites and look around. You may have to fill out a form for permission to have access to their database. This is fairly common.

After looking at a few, select three that appeal for one reason or another and then complete their form. Once you gain access they will give you a password that enables you to scroll through their site. Some sites are much larger than others. Some may appeal precisely because they are smaller and easier to manage and others may appeal because of the shear numbers of sperm donors available.

Now it is time to check in and figure out just what you are looking for. Different strategies are used by different intended parents. I have seen people select donors that resemble them or simply select people who seem to be attractive enough and good all round people regarding health, intellect, interests and achievements.

Try to sit down and commit to pencil and paper just who you are looking for. The more specific you can get the greater the chance is that you will find who you are looking for. A friend of mine was way caught up with what she referred to as “good hair,” when she was doing her search. Be that as it may, it helped her to screen for candidates. Remember to ask yourself, what are the deal breakers for you. What, how ever inane, quality is absolutely necessary for you in the final candidate that you choose.

The analogy is once again real estate shopping. If you have decided you can’t afford or don’t want to pay more than $8K for real estate taxes annually, then why look at the pictures of the pretty houses that have taxes higher than $8K? Isn’t that simply a time waster? Pick your criteria and stick with them. If you decide no left handlers then stick with it! These are like cutting scores and they help you to narrow the field.

If you are in this journey with a partner, make sure your partner does the same paper and pencil exercise. Actually you could create a file together using a writing app and create a composite together of the perfect sperm donor. The point is, you two have to be on the same proverbial page regarding who you are hunting for. It maybe that one of you is going to do more of the leg work in the hunt, but be sure not to skimp regarding who you intend to look for. Equal time from both partners spent on the composite will yield dividends and save time in the long run.

So now down to the nitty gritty. What color eyes do you prefer? What color hair do you prefer? What skin tone do you prefer? How tall does he need to? What should he weigh? Does the donor’s blood type matter to you? What if the donor has bad eyes? What about nose size? Large, medium, or small, what’s your preference? Poor dentition? Does that work for you? Can you work around it if all the other qualities are a good fit? Does the donor’s religion matter to you? No joke, these are the types of things you can select for.

If you want blue eyed children, selecting both a blue eyed sperm donor and a blue eyed egg donor will likely do the trick! If these things truly don’t matter to you, then what does?

How smart does he need to be? What is an acceptable SAT score? ACT score? Do you care what he is studying or where he attends college? Some people do.

What about other qualities? Do you want someone who is into music? Someone who enjoys Art? Reading? Humor? These are all things that may matter to you.

Some databases even have their donors complete personality questionnaires similar to the Myers Briggs. These are additional pieces of information. Do you want a child who is an introvert or an extrovert? Many people believe these personality characteristics are inherited. What characteristics do you want your sperm donor to have?

What diseases in the family tree are a no go for you? Heart disease? Cancer? Asthma? What do you think you could tolerate? Eczema? Diabetes? ADHD?

When you are looking, you might want to ask for a staff impression. The staff actually get to know these guys over time. They have thoughts in their heads about these men, the very men, who are candidates to become your child’s genetic father. Don’t you want to know what they think? Just ask! They can describe them physically too! This is a valuable source of information that some folks don’t realize they can tap.

Each and every one of these qualities will help you weed through the database. No you don’t want this one, green eyes. No not that one, combined SAT of 1800 out of 2400 is not high enough for you. No, you don’t want this one, he’s too heavy.

Oh this one has brown hair and a smaller frame, which you like. SAT is 1950, you’re okay with that. Creative. Good teeth. Jewish. Loves music, somewhat reserved. Studying to become an architect at Brown. Sounds just right for you.

As you get clear about what qualities you would like the DNA Dad of your child to have, you cannot help but feel rather judgmental. This process will force you to confront every prejudice you ever thought you didn’t have!

Go great guns! Attack that database. Find your sperm donor.

Buy more vials than you think you need. Buy more in case you decide to do this process a second time, when you child is 2 or 3 years old and you want to try for a second child and you want your children to come from the same genetic pool! You can always store it, but you can’t always purchase it! Don’t get stuck. Plan for the future. Plus it will save you hours of hunting for new sperm. Isn’t your time valuable? I know mine is!

Remember the real estate metaphor. Searching for the first house is easy. It is the second one that boggles the mind! I’ll say it one more time just to underscore its importance. Buy extra sperm now. Double what you think you need. The sperm is the cheapest resource in the surrogacy process. I am not undervaluing it when I say it’s cheap. I am merely pointing out the fact that you should not be beholden to the cheapest leg of the surrogacy stool, simply because you failed to plan ahead! Buy extra, you will thank me later!

Over and out!

Lisa J Lafave, PhD, MBA, ACC
The Surrogacy Coach from Surrogacy Rocks
CEO & Founder of Coaching Rocks, LLC
Single Mom By Choice Raising Surrogacy Twin Boys
Written in my Little Brick in University Heights, OH

Leap Into Action!