Some parents have a hard time when their child’s curiosity grows and they decide to seek out their egg donor and or sperm donor. Somehow they take it as an act of disrespect or one showing a lack of gratitude for all that has been done for them.
It has always been a curious thing to me that a parent could respond that way. If they parent shows disapproval, the child will likely seek out their genetic parents privately or behind their parents’ backs. The harm here is if the relationship with the genetic parent does become long standing, the parent has then single handedly forced a permanent wedge between themselves and their child, which is not the result that they had been seeking.
A different perspective might be to aid a child who is ready to pursue this avenue, thereby making it a bit of a journey that you can either take together, or at least one in which you can hear about, every step of the way. After all, isn’t it most definitely human to want to know what your parents look like and what they are like. In fact, isn’t it normal to wonder what they are good at and what way in which you favor them?
Positioning yourself as an advocate in this very normal search is more likely to yield the desired closeness that you actually want with your child. Then as your child has moments of nervousness, you can be there to help calm them down. If things go well and they are on the top of the moon about it, you can celebrate the moment with them. If they are hurt or disappointed by a particular exchange with one of their bio parents or even bio sibs, you can help them process what actually happened. If someone died and can no longer be found, you can share in their grief. This way you are never out of the loop, that you after all created in the first place!
Lisa J Lafave, PhD, MBA, ACC
The Surrogacy Coach from Surrogacy Rocks
CEO & Founder of Coaching Rocks, LLC
Single Mom By Choice of Surrogacy Twin Boys
Written in My Little Brick in University Heights, Ohio